The Pale Ones: From Iowa With Love Part 1
by KodyVoorhees7
Summary: Yeah. Part one. Because this isn't for you mundanes, its actually a wedding gift for the Drunkle and the big brother. In the face!


So, most of my readers are going to be saying: "WTF? Seriously, Kylie…Kody…whatever the f*** you want to call yourself…a WEDDING episode?"

To them I say, Hi Joe. And yes, a Wedding episode. If Full House can do it, so can we!

Even if it is only part one….

Congrats, Joey and Pip; I'm beyond overjoyed for you guys.

(Kylie, Joe, Kodi and Starfish sitting in the living room watching tv. Pip and Al walk in)

Al: So guys, we have news!

Starfish: There's another dead body on the property?

Joe: The emo kids are back?

Kodi: Cheerios has a new flavor!?

Pip: I'm sure they do, but wrong-o!

Al: We're getting married!

(A pregnant pause)

Joe: To each other…?

(Silence, Al and Pip look at each other, and shudder)

Al: Oh my fuck … NO!

Pip: Not even.

Starfish: Hey, we support your gay love! We 'ship' it, as it were.

Kylie: I thought the only thing we shipped was Jodi?

Joe: What's- never mind; I really do not want to know.

Kodi: I do! Who's Jodi?!

Starfish: Joe/Kodi…

Kodi: …Slash?

Pip: You and Joe in a passionate, romantic relationship.

(Kodi and Joe stand rigged, completely in shock)

Al: (clears throat) Back on, track guys. No, we aren't marrying each other. I'm not marrying a _drumme_r. God… the shame that would bring.

Pip: I'm glad the fact we're straight didn't even factor into the equation.

Al: Oh believe me, it did. I still won't marry a drummer.

Pip: We're marrying our girlfriends, Lolly and Kirsty. You remember them?

Starfish: Do I? I only remember the part where you're marrying each other.

(Al and Pip snort, failing to ignore the comment)

Joe: I think I do. They're the blonde chick and the redhead that've been hanging around here a lot, right?

Starfish: I thought they were the brunettes…

Joe: No, those were Dan's. (pause) And possibly mine, now that I think about it.

Kodi: Where's Dan?

Kylie: Oh he's…he's…where _is_ Dan?

Pip: He was chainsawed to death thanks to your angel friend.

Kylie: Oh yeah…(coughs, trying to change the subject quickly) anyway, congrats guys! As your niece/ sister/friend, I'm overjoyed. As your manager, I strongly advise that you end it. End it now.

Pip: Why would you advise that, manager or otherwise?

Kylie: It's in this book! "Managers from Hell: How to Propel Your Band to Enormous Success at the Expense of Your Immortal Soul."

Joe: Where'd you get _that_?

Kylie: It was in my mailbox the day after I agreed to be your manager.

Joe: Does it say anything in there about forcing us to shave any facial hair?

Kylie: No, I just think facial hair is hideous. And I know hideous, ok, I've seen Starfish in a skirt before.

Starfish: That was a kilt…

Kylie: It had pleats and barely covered your ass. No way was that a kilt!

Starfish: It was made in Scotland; _therefore, _it is a kilt.

Kylie: I'll go get it from your closet and we will take a vote.

Pip: I don't need to see it again; it was definitely a skirt.

Al: Skirt.

Kodi: (loudly) Skirt!

Starfish: And you guys wonder why I hate you all.

Joe: We know you love us, Fishy boy: Deep down inside your black shell of a heart.

Starfish: (snorts) I really don't though. Deep down is an insanity fueled pit of despair. You realize _I'm_ getting married as well: To the love of my life?

Kylie: That's nice, Starfish. No one really cares though. Pip, Al, you guys need help with the planning?

Pip: You'll have to ask Kirsty… I promised to not get involved.

Kylie: Should I ask why?

Pip: Because if I'm involved, people will be wearing morphsuits.

Kylie: Yeah, maybe stay out of it then.

Al: Morphsuits….how first grade.

Pip: Oh, I'm sorry, who's the_ goth_ getting married on _Halloween_ again?

Kylie: Oooh,can the guests wear costumes? I want to be a sexy kitty, or a sexy witch! I dunno… just something unspeakably slutty!

Al: Sure, I don't give a fuck.

Kodi: Al said a bad word!

Al: Fuck fuck fuck… _fuuuuuck_.

Kodi: KYLIE!

Kylie: Al, stop cursing around Kodi.

Al: Stop giving him such a fucked up personality.

Kylie: Yes, because we don't have enough "alcoholic loud-mouthed-UK-stereotypes" in this family.

Pip (yelling from the kitchen): Anyone want some crumpets and whiskey-tea?

Kylie: see what I mean?

Al: I dunno, a possibly brain damaged innocent 27 year old seems a bit cliché…

Kylie: He's like Gir, ok? Real life Kodi likes Gir.

Kodi: (wearing a Gir hoodie) Who what now?

Joe: Yeah, somehow I doubt "Real Life Kodi" is ok with that.

Kylie: Says you! Kodi loves me.

Al: Kodi loves everything: even bees.

Kodi: (smart voice) Because bees pollinate plants, which make oxygen for us to breathe. Without them, we are metaphorically fucked up the ass.

Pip: Stop it. You're using logic and sounding smart. Not ok.

Kodi: what's logic?

Al: …How does one explain logic? It's like explaining the color orange without using the word "orange".

Joe: Or the difference between left and right…

Pip: Or how water tastes.

Kylie: OH MY GOD STOP. PLEASE JUST STOP.

Pip: Stop yelling without exclamation points. That can't be healthy for you.

Joe: She drinks, like, 5 Mountain Dews every day; I think her punctuation is the_ least_ of her worries.

Kylie: (glares at Joe) Says you, mister "I-cannot-go-15-minutes-without-a-cigarette".

Joe: Somehow I think my stress reliever is better for me than caffeinated sugar.

Kylie: Yes, tar in your lungs is better than soda. Go ahead and keep believing that.

Joe: I think I will, thank you very much.

Kodi: Kylie, why are you yelling at Joe? He's a nice guy…

Kylie: I just hate him. I hate anyone who has dreads. It's a law for me.

Joe: (under his breath) Because she's dated scores of them.

Kylie: That's beside the point, Joe!

Joe: No, I think that is the point…

Pip: Can you two stop arguing for 2 seconds?

Kylie: Probably not… but if you prefer we switch to thinly veiled sexual innuendos, we can do that.

Al: nobody would prefer that.

Joe: I disagree. We would prefer the shit out of that.

Al: Well, _we_ wouldn't; so can you not do that, maybe? Please… for the love of God?

Joe: Hey Kylie, want to-

Pip/Al/Starfish: NO!

(Pip checks his phone quickly, trying to block horrible images from his mind)

Joe: arguing or sexual stuff, your choice.

Al: I'm picking arguing.

Pip: I got a text from Kirsty and it is quite strange.

Starfish: Stranger than her agreeing to marry you?

Pip: (sexy voice) Ladies can't resist a drummer, what can I say?

Kylie: I've done a pretty good job of resisting every drummer I know.

Pip: You just have a terrible choice in men, ok; we all know it. You tried to sleep with Frankie G from Skeleton Kid, and _he's_ gay.

Kylie: (defensively but quietly) He wasn't obvious about it…

Joe: (laughs) you seriously didn't know he was gay? Are you _stupid_?

Kylie: Yeah! Yeah, I am. Do you feel better now that I've finally agreed with you on something? Hmmm? 'Cuz I don't agree with you on _everything_ already? Hmmmmmm? Damn Welsh slut…

Pip: so, Kirsty wants to know if you want to partake in the bachelorette party, Kylie. She also mentioned Joe, but I'm positive that was a gay joke and not an actual invitation; since, as we know, she loathes the Welsh.

Kylie: Of course I'm in! Who else is she inviting?

Pip: pretty much all of our—their—girlfriends: Emily, Lolly… and you and Mozzy—even though you're not dating anyone. In the band, at least, I think Mozz has a man.

Al: I thought you didn't like other females. Why are you going to the bachelorette party?

Kylie: Because Mozzy just texted me and told me there's going to be a LOT of liquor. And your girlfriends aren't bitches who want to beat me up for wearing revealing clothes like most other females tend to do.

Joe: _When_ exactly is the party?

Pip: It's tonight. Did I mention the weddings are like— next weekend?

Joe: Where the fuck am I going to get a tux in under a week, Pip? WHERE THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

Starfish: You don't have a tux— Seriously?

Joe: No, who just keeps a tux around?

(All the guys raise their hands)

Joe: Well, you're all freaking gaywads anyway

Pip: I'll loan you a tux, Croseph.

Joe: (snorts, giving Pip's midsection a 'look') No thanks…may be a little big on me.

Pip: I AM NOT FAT, YOU FUCKERS!

Kylie: No, you're big boned.

Al: Got a nice layer of fat for the winter, Pip. Even though it's—you know—spring.

Pip: you both can go to Hell!

Kylie: _Awww,_ you know we love you, drunkle— I mean uncle Pip!

Pip: No. Go die.

Al: Poor Drunkle Pip…

Pip: LEAVING NOW.

Joe: Bye! No one will miss you!

Kodi: I'll miss him…

Joe: (glares at Kodi condescendingly) shut up, Kodi, you idiot.

Starfish: (quietly, to Kylie) Why did we pair those two up again?

Kylie: Because…um… Fangirl appeal.

Al: That fangirl appeal…

Kylie: That gets you a lot of your fans, don't complain. But ah…don't read the fan fiction online, ok? I'm going to go get ready (leaves).

(A pause as they wait for her to leave the room)

Al: who's up for reading fanfiction?

Starfish: I'm not participating in any fanfiction reading; they probably have me paired up with Pip, and I simply cannot tolerate that.

Al: (loudly so Pip can hear) well yeah, 'cos he's the fucking _drummer_. No one wants the _drummer_.

Pip: I'M STILL HERE.

Al: Why, so you are! Want to read some gay fanfiction?

Pip: I'd rather not, thanks.

Joe: no one wants to read about having sex with their band members.

Pip: I think Al does. I always knew he was one kinky bitch.

Al: HEY!

Pip: Oh, you're still here? I'll save my trash talking for later then when I am absolutely drunk off my ass.

Starfish: Who's in charge of your bachelor party?

Pip: Why, Crowseph of course!

Al: He's the only one bound to make the night one filled with debauchery and many regrets! (pauses, considering) if we can remember it, that is.

Pip: You have 2 hours to make it memorable, Crowseph!

Joe: …Go fuck yourself (storms off to find a computer and plan).

Pip: Well, that's sorted.

(A knock on the door stirs them)

Al: Who _da'_ hell is that at this time?

Joe: (snorts) You are such a gayface…

Al: (sweetly) Well, you're a self-indulgent narcissistic jackass.

Starfish: Swish….

Joe: You just stole my thing, Dammit! I'm going to kick your ass!

Pip: I'm going to answer the door! (Opens door to see Mozzy.) Mozzy!

Mozz: OI!

Kylie: OI!

Mozz: are you ready to go yet, luv!?

Kylie: Now I am!

Pip; Are you done yelling at each other from the front and back?!

Kylie/Mozz: NOPE!

Joe: Where are you guys going for the party?

Kylie: The London strip club.

Mozz: We're getting lap dances from super-hot girls.

Kylie: Don't worry, we'll bring you home a crumpled dollar we found on the floor for you to smell.

Mozz/Kylie: BYE! (They leave)

Starfish: Does it bother anyone else that they're so casual about getting lap dances from other girls?

Joe: They like tits; I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Starfish: Well, you wouldn't.

Frankie G: (opens the front door without knocking) DID SOMEONE SAY MOTHAFUKKIN'?

Pip: no. No one said "mothafukkin".

Frankie: Well fuck it, I'm here anyway. Do we have any cider?

Timmy C: Aren't you guys ready yet? Holy motherfuck, you take longer to get ready than Frankie does his hair.

Josh D: ….

Kodi: (terrified, but also pissed out of his mind) _WHO_ THE FUCK ARE THEY!? PIP, THEY'RE GOING TO MURDER ME!

Pip: Oh no, they won't. This is Frankie Mothafukkin' G (points at Frankie, who's checking his hair in the hallway mirror), Timmy The Slut C (points at Timmy), and (pauses, not quite sure what to say) Josh Something or Other D.

Joe: (incredulously) Josh… something or other?

Frankie: We haven't acquired a good nickname for him just yet, as he has no obvious personality traits that we've discovered.

Joe: Ok, fine. Why are you guys here though?

Timmy: Pip got drunk and invited us to this bachelor party thing, like 3 months ago.

(Everyone stares at Pip in shock)

Pip: Uh….cider then, was it?

Kodi: (gets in Pip's face) You invited _those fuckers_ before _us_!?

Pip: my, aren't you surprisingly coherent and logical right now!

Kodi: GO FUCK YOURSELF! (storms off)

Pip: It's so adorable when he insults someone.

Joe: I found where we're going.

Al: Is it a strip club?

Joe: (Pause) ….Yes.

(At the Girls' Strip Club party)

Kylie: does this place serve absinthe?

Bartender: No, but I'm sure we can find some.

Mozz: I want sex on the beach!

Lolly: Why…?

Mozz: Because I want something that tastes like a fruit and vodka orgy.

Kirsty: Holy _shiiiiiit_, that chick's dressed like a pirate! Someone take a picture of me with the pirate stripper!

Kylie: Are pictures allowed?

Emily: This seems to be a classy joint; I'm sure they won't mind.

Kirsty: The classiest!

Mozz: Innit!

Waitress: What can I get you ladies?

Kylie: A sour apple martini (pause) swish.

Waitress: What kind of vodka would you like?

Kylie: do you have Blavod?

Waitress: Of course.

Kylie: 2 of that with Blavod, then.

Mozz: SEX ON THE MOTHAFUKKIN BEACH!

Emily: I'm the designated driver, I think…so I'll just have water.

Lolly: Beer please.

(everyone stares at her in shock)

Lolly: What? Just 'cos I'm the girliest one means I can't have beer?

Mozz: I feel like less of a woman next to her…

Kylie: I feel no such emotion.(pause, thinking) Except for jealousy, 'cos her boobs are way bigger than mine and it makes me sad.

Mozz: (cheerfully) they're not small, they're fun sized! *squeezes Kylie's boobs*

Waitress: here you go ladies! Just an FYI, it's also amateur night, and if you get up there, you get your next drink free!

(everyone looks at Kylie and Mozz)

Mozz (Whispering to Kylie): They're wondering if we're going to do it.

Kylie: (whispering back) Of course we're going to do it; I like free booze.

Mozz: So do I.

Kylie (shouting): So, we're agreed! We're doing it.

Kirsty: So you want me to videotape it?

Mozz: Hell yes! I'm going to need visual proof.

Kylie: Quick question: how did you and Philip meet, Kirsty?

Kirsty: Oh, Cradle of Filth introduced us to each other.

Kylie: See, what the fuck!? None of my favorite bands do that for me.

Emily: Because you want to bang the band members.

Kylie: …That's beside the point!

Lolly: Do you want to hear how Joey and I met?

Kylie: Joe's already told me this story, but I'm willing to bet it isn't nearly as accurate as yours.

Lolly: I'm sure it isn't… but then again, he's Welsh, and they're all liars and other terrible adjectives.

Kylie: aren't the Welsh and the English the same friggin' thing?

Everyone: SHUT UP YOU STUPID AMERICAN!

(Pause)

Mozz: Kidding, you're only a little stupid.

Kylie: Stupid and flat chested: I have so many wonderful attributes.

Lolly: Just a _little_ stupid.

Emily: Just a _little_ flat chested.

Kylie: Just going to get a _little_ drunk.

Mozz: Just going to show a _little_ bit of cleavage

Kylie: Oh no, I'm showing a lot of cleavage. Like Lolly. Mine is just far less impressive compared to hers.

Lolly: *squeezes boobs twice, grins*oh cool, grabbing your tits is like a happy booster. Try it!

Kylie: *gropes chest* oh hey, you're right! Ha! *giggles* Can we get lapdances?

Kirsty: What kind of bachelorette party would it be without lapdances!?

Mozz: A shitty one?

Kirsty: That's right, a shitty one! So _of course_ we're getting lapdances and then the blondies are getting on that stage and flipping upside down on a pole!

Lolly: Ah…

Kirsty: Oh, Ah, Not you.

Kylie: Can I borrow your heels, Lolly?

Lolly: Aren't you wearing some?

Kylie: Not stiletto or 6 inches.

Lolly: Oh! Yeah, absolutely!

Kirsty: Alright ladies, lets down these drinks and get fucking started!

(At the guys party)

Pip: Joe, you are never in charge of a party ever again.

Joe: what!?

Al: Dude, they're playing Gangnam Style, what the fuck…

Joe: it had a 5 star rating on !

Pip: that is indicative of NOTHING!

Joe: Kodi seems to be having fun…

Al: We could be being eaten alive by zombies and Kodi would be having a good time.

Joe: you guys could loosen up a little…

Pip: they do not allow lapdances, Joe. THEY DON'T ALLOW LAPDANCES.

Starfish: Can I go get drunk now?

Guys: NO.

Pip: maybe we should just go to the girls party? That sounds like a damned chucklefest compared to this seventh circle of hell.

Al: I think Lolly said they went to that one place…the _really_ nice one.

Starfish: the classy strip club?

Al: the _classiest_.

Dan: hey guys!

Starfish: Oh, _you…_ you're back.

Dan: Yeah, I was just on vacation.

Starfish: Oh yes, we totally remembered that and did not change your room to the official Xbox gameroom.

Dan: wow, that's really nice of you!

Frankie: dude, can we go! I'm _so_ not turned on.

Pip: You're gay and surrounded by women. Of course you're not turned on.

Frankie: Sure, but these strippers are gross!

Al: Is Timmy grinding up against that waitress?

Frankie: no, _she's_ grinding up on _him_. _Aaaaand_ now he's throwing up all over her tits.

(pause)

Guys: Gross.

Starfish: we're leaving.

(girls party)

Lolly: Oh my gosh they have Disney cups!

Kylie: *trying to put on Lolly's heels* how do you_ stand_ on these things?

Lolly: Lean forward a bit. And if all else fails, get on the floor.

Kirsty: Get 'dem crumpled dollar bills that stink of shame and despair!

Mozz: Is the camera ready?

Emily: Been ready!

Kylie: Quick shot of liquid courage and I'm ready.

(Mozz and Kylie take a shot)

Kylie: boom! Let's go!

(guys walk in)

Joe: man, this brings back memories…

Timmy: hey, same here! (pauses, remembering something unspeakably terrible) oh sweet Jesus…

Joe: see, mine, at least are all good memories.

Kirsty: oh, hi Pippin!

Pip: hallo!

Mozz: hey guys!

Joe: why are you two in stripper heels?

Kylie: certainly not because we're about to get on the poles and exercise our kegel muscles, that's definitely not it…

Joe: well I certainly don't have enough dollar bills even if you were going to get on the poles.

Timmy: I have a whole stack of 'merican money!

Frankie: as do I!

Kylie: no one wants your money Frankie _Mothafukkin_ G.

Pip: are you the one that came up with their nicknames?

Kylie: only Timmy's. Which no one is allowed to use except for me because he gets emo when you call him The Slut.

Timmy: I do not!

Kylie: yes you do, remember when I was over at your house and Frankie called you The Slut and you wouldn't talk to us for the entire night, even when we offered to take you out and find you a date?

Timmy: oh yeah!

Frankie: I still don't see how I can't call you The Slut when you call me fat all the time.

Kylie: because Timmy is 'sensitive'. Like an itty bitty emo kid.

Starfish: before this turns into a Pale( r) ones episode, can we please move on?

Kylie: you know what the Pale( r) ones are? EVERYONE! STARFISH CARES!

Starfish: SHUT UP AND GET YOUR WHORE MOUTH ON THAT STAGE!

Pip: you sound like a pimp…

Starfish: careful, or I'll make you get up on that stage too.

Pip: I'm like catnip to women, it would be wrong of me to _not_ get on that stage.

Kirsty: don't get on the stage.

Pip: but-

Kirsty: I put up with the morphsuits, I'm not putting up with you in stripper shoes.

Timmy: _that's_ the line? _That_ is the one thing that will make you leave him?

Kylie: we can't all put up with boys in stripper heels, no matter the hilarity.

Kirsty: oh, I'd never leave Pippin. Even if I wanted to, which I certainly _don't_, he'd probably die without me.

Joe: he might not die, but he'd end up as a homeless man living behind the Anvil eating rats and other unsavory things.

Frankie: (drunkenly) it may be just me, but who else is wondering if he stuffs his jock?

Josh: it's just you.

Frankie: I feel like other people are wondering too.

Al: (facepalms, shuddering) we weren't, but _now_ we are.

Joe: (proudly) I'm not.

Timmy: don't know if any of you noticed, since you were all focused on old man junk, but Josh spoke.

Kylie: I noticed. I changed his nickname to Josh Knows You Want His D in honor of the occasion.

Frankie: honour. With a 'U'.

Kylie: I'm _speaking_. How do you know if I'm saying it with or without a u?

Frankie: we've had this discussion before. I'm in your head. _Always_.

(silence)

Pip: (In awe) teach me this witchcraft.

Frankie: Ask Timothy.

Timmy: whatever it is, I didn't do it, I don't know who did, and no, I won't do it for you.

Kylie: that's not what you said Friday.

Timmy: I'm not going to say no to that.

Joe: I'm sensing horrible sexual story…

Timmy: ice cream isn't sexual, you pervert.

Kylie: ignore Joe; he's got the filthiest mind in the world. I'm almost positive he's directed at least one porno.

Joe: shouldn't you be on that stage taking your clothes off?

Timmy: I'll do it with you!

Joe: no, then it becomes a sex show and I'm pretty sure that isn't allowed here.

Pip: where did Starfish and Emily go?

Al: they're probably committing a felony, you know how they are. Always setting buildings on fire and running away before they get caught.

Lolly: I thought that was us.

Al: no, we sacrifice people to the unholy lord Satan.

(everyone stares at them)

Kylie: that is possibly the most romantic thing I've ever heard. Timmy, let's go sacrifice people!

Timmy: why me?

Kylie: why not you?

Timmy: go with Joe, I'm sure he doesn't have a problem with murder.

Mozz: I'll go with you, Kylie!

Pip: What kind of couple are we?

Kirsty: the kind that sits at home and watches Pirates of the Caribbean movies all night long.

Al: (mutters) yeah, the boring couple.

Kirsty: I'll punch you in the face, I have no fear.

Dan: well, I guess now we know where Kylie gets her threats from.

Kylie: I'll punch you in your scruffy jaw, Dan.

Dan: point proven.

Kodi: look guys, I found a $10 bill!

Kylie: you probably shouldn't be taking money from the floor. But what the hey. Do you want a lapdance?

Kodi: (look of horror) NO.

Kylie: what?

Kodi: (starts shaking) CONVERSATION OVER. (quickly walks away)

Kylie: Jesus, it's not like I asked if you wanted to go have sex with Josh.

Josh: I'd have to be pretty drunk to even entertain the notion.

Pip: HE SPOKE!

Josh: yeah I spoke. I'm not fuckin' mute.

Pip: sometimes I worry though…

Kylie: don't worry about Josh. Worry about your wedding.

Joe: AAAAAAAND we've come full circle!

Kylie: of course we did, I have to get this back on track somehow-

Starfish: (loudly) SHOTS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Emily: (just as loudly) WE FOUND GIRLY FLAVORED VODKA!

Frankie: Flavoured.

Kylie; I'll cut you Frankie, I swear to god.

Pip: No cutting, children. Drunk time.

Kylie: I'm down!

(everyone grabs a shot)

Joe: (quietly to Josh) should I say a toast or something?

Josh: (whispers) why not, they won't remember it anyway.

Joe: ok, before we get drunk and black out later, congrats to Pip, Kirsty, Al and Lolly. Please God let it last.

Everyone: (except for Starfish and Emily, who look beyond pissed) amen! (everyone takes a shot)

To be CONTIUED…

(yeah, part 1! XOXO!)


End file.
